Till She's Gone
by meghan.x
Summary: …you never know what you have till it's gone… '"I love you," she whispered weakly. Then I drowned in darkness.' Ricky/Adrian, two shot.
1. Chapter 1

**Title**: Till She's Gone

**Rating: **Teen

**Pairing: **Ricky/Adrian

**Genre: **Angst/Romance

**Warning: **For you saps, tissues at the end, maybe?

**Point of view: **Ricky Underwood.

**Disclaimer: I do not own The Secret Life of the American Teenager characters in any way, shape, or form. I just do maaah thing with them.**

**Summary: **…you never know what you have till it's gone… '_The sounds of screeching tires, shattering glass and Adrian's shrill screams filled my ears "I love you," she whispered. Then I drowned in darkness.' Ricky/Adrian, one shot. _

**A/N: Hey my lovelies! Here's another one shot for you. Once again, it's a Radrian and I hope you guys like it. Leave me some love; it truly makes me smile.  
**

_**This one-shot is un-beta'd for now**_**.**

**

* * *

**

.

It's January; six months from July. Adrian's counting down the days till our wedding, I just can't wait to make her all mine.

Not saying that she isn't already; I just am anxious to make it more official.

She's sitting at the kitchen table with her mom, ranting on about wedding dress prices and how she wants the special fit. Every few minutes, she takes her gaze away from her mom and the wedding venue brochures, just to glance down at the diamond ring on her engagement finger.

I smile every time, because she looks genuinely happy.

John then takes me out of my trance of watching Adrian when he hits me in the head with his toy car.

"Dad," he says sternly. "You said you would play with me."

I laugh and then grab a car as well, then make _vrooooooooooooom_ sounds to appease him, but I make them quiet because little Sarah is clutching my shirt, fast asleep.

Out of the corner of my eye, I see Adrian smile at us.

* * *

It's February.

Adrian's holding me while I silently sob because my mom died and I swear I'm having a mental break down. My mom is literally…_gone._

She's not gone for the night to get high or drunk, or staying at the hotel because her and my dad got in a fight. She's not fucking another guy or just at work for a while, nor is she in jail.

She's gone; for good. I'm sad, but not devastated, because you can't miss someone you barely knew.

It just hurts; because she was my mom. Even after everything, she's still my mom and the past is the past and I can't change it, but she still loved me. I know that now.

It would be worse if Adrian weren't holding me, and I knew that. So I holder her closer, harder, and then I _need_ her. She is hesitant, saying I'm not in the right frame of mind.

I tell her I need to feel; she agrees.

But I don't just have sex with her; I _make love to her, _because I feel closer to her that way.

* * *

It's March.

Adrian's arguing with Ben on the phone over custody of Sarah, and she mutters how she wishes she would have done this sooner. Little Sarah is three and a half and they still haven't had any custody battle of any sort.

Court is on Monday and Adrian seems nervous. I know she wants her on the weekdays, but so does Ben. It's hard and I know that from personal experience, I just wish he would let her have Sarah on the weekdays. I know what Ben is going through, but I also watch Adrian go through this, and it's hard.

I call him after Adrian hangs up. He says he's busy and he'll call me later; he's lying and I call him out on it, then we talk for a long time.

He's mad about having to go to court, I'm mad too but I know it's for the better.

It's a sunny Monday morning and we're leaving the court room. Adrian gets Sarah on Sunday's, Monday's, Tuesdays Wednesday's, while Ben gets her on Thursdays, Friday's and Saturdays. Ben and Adrian both agreed on this schedule.

I hold her hand as we walk out, with Sarah and John at our sides then I suggest we go for ice-cream. Adrian grins because I know it's her favourite thing to do.

I just wanted to see her smile. I haven't seen it all day and I missed it.

* * *

It's April.

Adrian is doing homework for University, and I'm watching television after a long day at work. We both don't have the kids tonight and I'm bored out of my mind.

Adrian excuses herself to use the washroom and I flip through the channels absentmindedly. A few minutes later, I hear my name faintly being called from upstairs. I raise my eyebrow questioningly, and then follow the melodic voice that is chanting my name.

Down the long hallway, past the empty bathroom, and into my bedroom is a half clothed Adrian, playing with her chocolate curls on the bed innocently. I let out a caveman grunt and immediately throw off my shirt.

I need to feel her skin on mine.

I pull down my pants and crawl in between her legs, making myself at home. I kiss her everywhere because she's gorgeous and lick-able. I pull her closer and she wraps her toned legs around my waist and I feel her heat. I roughly crash my lips against hers, and roughly push my tongue in her mouth.

She tastes like vanilla and cookies. _I like it.  
_  
"I love you. I need you," she breaths in my ear.

I happy oblige.

Afterwards, I whisper "I love you too," because I forgot to tell her earlier.

* * *

It's May.

We're in our backyard with the kids and their grandparents, having a barbeque. Ben and Amy are invited and they both show up with their new significant others.

I'm glad both Amy and Ben are happy.

I flip the burgers when I feel her wrap her arms around me, "Whatcha cookin' good lookin?" she says cheekily and I laugh.

We all eat and afterwards sit around the bond-fire for dessert and coffee. Adrian sits on the ground between my legs and I swear to god, if she moves one more time I'm grabbing her and going upstairs to have my way with her.

We all talk about anything from the weather to schooling, the children or we remember the old times we shared.

We all have a good time but it's even better because the women I love is in my sweater, and the ring I bought her for our engagement is on her finger, while she cradles our kids (even though Sarah is my step-daughter and John is her step-son, we love them regardless) and we are in the backyard of our home.

I've always wanted this; I just didn't think I deserved it. I don't feel that way anymore, I just don't think I deserve anyone like Adrian.

She's perfect; did I mention she's also mine?

* * *

It's June.

Our wedding is one month away and I'm nervous.

Everything is happening so quickly. The days go by faster than usual and I feel like our time together is limited. I don't know why though, I just have that feeling and I can't shake it. I tell Adrian this one night while we lie in bed and she assures me that I'm imaging things because we have the rest of our lives together. I believe her but the feeling doesn't seem to want to go away.

I don't worry about it though because the only thing that is going through my mind is the fact I'm getting married in one month.

I, Ricky Underwood, am getting married.

Sarah jumps on our bed in the morning along with a way-too-energetic-for-a-Sunday -morning John.

We let them get under the blankets and we snuggle for a while. Then we have pancakes and I put smiley faces on them just to brighten the morning. Adrian's stressed because the final fitting for the dress is today and she wants it to be perfect.

Instead of a smiley face pancake, I write "I love you" in blueberries and kiss her nose.

* * *

It's our wedding day.

I stand at the front of the isle, fidgeting with my shaking fingers because I'm beyond nervous. Ben is at my side, along with Jack and Amy's boyfriend Sean (who I've gotten to know quite well). I feel my heart racing when the traditional wedding march begins.

Amy walks out first dressed in a magenta dress that goes to her knee and she looks good. Grace walks after, followed by an adorable Sarah who is throwing rose petals as she walks. She is absolutely adorable. At her side is John and I smile widely because he takes after his dad, he looks great in a tux. He's carrying rings on a pillow and I declare him the cutest ring boy ever.

Of course he would be; he's my kid.

Then I push away the conceited thought because my beautiful wife-to-be-in-a-few-minutes is up next.

Everyone in the room disappears when Adrian comes into view. Her long, white dress is flowing behind her and the blush staining her cheeks is divine. Her hair is curled to perfection and it flows down her back. I smirk because she is beautiful and her last name is about to be Underwood.

Finally, she reaches me and next thing I know, my lips are on hers and we are declared Mr. and Mrs. Underwood.

We walk down the aisle; our fingers intertwined and kiss outside the church as everyone erupts and cheers and hollers.

* * *

It's our honeymoon and we are tangled under the sheets. A layer of sweat coats our bodies and I sigh.

Adrian's hand is on my chest and her hair is sprawled out behind her. I kiss the top of her head and order room service because, I need fuel. I can't run on nothing at all.

Trust me, I've been working _hard, _but it's worth it. I feel amazing and so does she. She's beautifully glowing and I pull her closer to me.

There's a knock at the door and I curse under my breath because her body is warm and I have no desire to let her go, even if it is for a few seconds. I answer the door and handed my food than I wake up my wife.

"Wake up; I got some food for us." I whisper and run my fingers along her thigh. She smiles and pushes her hips towards my hand. I smirk and then take away my hand deviously because it's time to eat, play time later.

She finally pulls herself up and gives me a heated kiss. Her eyes light up when she sees the pancakes and fruit in front of her.

We eat on the bed and then afterwards, we go for another round of passion.

* * *

It's our one year anniversary and I'm taking her out for dinner and to watch the sunset. It is romantic if I do say so myself; and I feel nervous.

I also feel uneasy, but I am not too sure why. I shouldn't feel that way though, something just seems off.

I adjust my tie and look in the mirror. "You are one handsome man, Mr. Underwood." I say to my reflection in the mirror.

"Yes he is."

I hear her voice from behind me. I turn around and I gasp because she looks utterly beautiful.

She has on a red dress that hugs her body perfectly. It goes to her knee and its strapless (which I find sexy). It's silk and I feel myself wanting to tell her the date is cancelled and take her on the bed.

But I restrain because I want this to be perfect.

"I'm nothing compared to you," I whistle as she turns and I pull her towards me. I softly kiss her lips, tasting her cherry red lipstick and I groan because she's killing me.

"You ready to go?" Adrian asks.

"My lady?" I hold out my arm to her to grab, she smirks and links her arm through mine.

I lead her to the car and we drive to the restaurant in a comfortable silence, while I caress her knuckles gently.

The restaurant is elegant, yet more in my price range. I order myself a sprite and her red wine because I know it's her favourite. We eat and talk, while holding hands across the table.

Afterwards, I pay the bill and we walk down the street, and sit on a bench to watch the sunset.

The sky is orange and pink, with small fluffy clouds that seem to be stretched out. The sight is absolutely breath taking, and she sighs as I pull her closer to my body.

"I'd say the sunset is perfect, but it's nothing compared to you," I state. She blushes and we share a long kiss. Her lips are soft, and I moan into her mouth because I can taste the wine, her lip gloss, and the mint she grabbed before we walked out.

We pull apart and I stroke her cheek lovingly.

"You ready to go home?" I question.

"I had a wonderful time tonight, but I'm excited to get you home." Adrian purrs in my ear.

We walk back towards the car hand in hand. I give her my jacket because there is a light breeze and she looks sexy with my clothes on. As we drive home, we hum to the song on the radio and I couldn't feel more content.

As if in a split second, head lights were in my eyes and I couldn't see where I was going.

I froze.

Time froze.

The sounds of screeching tires, shattering glass and Adrian's shrill screams filled my ears.

In a daze, I squint my eyes open. I was dizzy, and I couldn't move.

"I love you," she whispered weakly.

Then I drowned in darkness.

* * *

Beep.  
_  
"Is he waking up?"  
_  
Beep.  
_  
"Hey Ricky, I miss you. Wake up, please?"  
_  
Beep.  
_  
"Ricky, please wake up."  
_  
Beep.  
_  
"Why isn't daddy waking up?"  
_  
Beep.  
_  
"I love you daddy. Wake up."  
_  
Beep.

My head hurt. I felt like a weight was on me and it wasn't being lifted. It was dark and I couldn't open my eyes if I tried. The beeping was also annoying me beyond belief.

I wasn't sure how long I was like this, and I wasn't sure what was happening.

Why was I here? Why was in a hospital and why was I feeling this way?

That's when I felt a hand hold mine. It was small and warm, and I knew who it was.

"Daddy? Wake up please!" John pleaded.

"J-j-j," I tried to speak, but my voice was hoarse. I had to try again. "John?"

My eyes fluttered and when I opened them, I was greeted by the tear stained face of John.

"Daddy!"

I tried to smile, but it hurt too much.

"Mommy!" John yelled.

"Oh, my god!" Amy came running in. She was by my side in an instant and pushing back my hair that was covering my flushed face.

"What happened?" I weakly asked.

"Ricky, you were in a car accident." Amy explained.

My heart sank.

My head spun.

I froze.

"What? Where's Adrian?"

"Ricky, does anything hurt?" Amy asked as she let her fingers run through my hair.

"No, now where's Adrian?" I lied of course, I was hurting but that didn't matter.

"Maybe I should get the doctor," Amy suggested.

I felt the anger rise in me. "Amy, I swear to god, where's Adrian!" I yelled.

Amy bit her lip, and looked down to the ground. I noticed tears falling down her cheeks and she looked up at me through her dark lashes. "She's gone, Ricky."

* * *

It's her funeral.

I stand around her grave, holding Sarah and John is at my side while my crutches are on the ground beside me.

I don't cry. I don't do anything.

_I'm numb_.

I stand their emotionless, and motionless, watching Rueben talk about Adrian around the casket along with many other people. We are all taking about her before we lower her casket. I'm not sure I can say anything but I know I have to. It's the right thing to do.

But I can't seem to get anything out me. I'm gone. I feel like I was shattered.

"…she will be dearly missed."

Then it's my turn to speak.

I don't have anything planned, so I speak from the heart.

"Um, I remember this one time, we were having a rough day and we fought. I was mad, but she was furious. I don't think I've ever seen her so worked up. Then, she just stopped and kissed me. I asked her why she did that and didn't walk away from me, she said that she didn't want to lose me and she couldn't imagine if she had to wake up tomorrow and I were gone. I now know what she means. I wish I could just get one more kiss."

That's all I said.

* * *

Today is her birthday but I seem to be the only one celebrating it. I light a candle and let a balloon go in the sky as I whisper an "I love you."

Then I drink myself away.

I promised myself I would never do that. I didn't want to be my father but the kids weren't here (because I've been strong for them, but trying to grieve). I was by myself and I just needed something to take the _pain _away.

I sip the vodka, letting it slip down my throat and then I scream.

It should have been _my life that was taken.  
_  
She didn't deserve what happened.

I was finally happy and then someone, somewhere, decided my life _needs_ to be broken.

I let out another scream and throw the glass bottle towards the wall. It breaks, shards of sharp glass are everywhere and the rest of the alcohol stains where I threw it. I lie back on the couch and let the tears fall down my flushed cheeks.

You never know what you have until it's gone.

Better yet, you never know what you _had _until _she's _gone.

* * *

_Complete._

_Thanks for reading. Reviews are nice._


	2. Chapter 2

_**So I was re-reading this story, and came to the realization that this doesn't seem finished. It had an OK ending, but it still feels like there's more missing. So here is Part 2 of Till She's Gone. It's shorter, but I included what I could. **_

_**I would also like to ask you guys to give me ideas about what to write. I've had alot of writers block, lately. **_

_**...**_

"_I had to lose everything to find out, _

_Maybe forgiveness will find me somewhere down this road, _

_I'm moving on"_

_-Rascal Flatts_(love them)

* * *

It's our two year anniversary. It's also my one year anniversary without her.

People tell me that it doesn't count anymore because I'm a widow, but I disagree. I still love her, and I still consider myself married to her.

She's everywhere I look, everywhere I go. Her presence is constantly with me; I hate it. I sometimes find myself talking to her as if she were in the room, then I snap out of it.

I also catch myself gazing into the closet that once held all her clothes, missing the bed we once woke up in every morning but I had Leo take it out. I catch myself walking in the grocery store and not be able to walk by the flowers isle because I'd be too tempted to bring them home to her.

It'd be a waste of money because I sometimes forget that there is no one to bring them home too.

So as I sit here, holding the picture of us on our wedding with my cigarette in the other hand, all I can think is that I've truly gone crazy.

I'm still crazy for someone who's been gone for a year now.

* * *

It's "Lazy Sundays" in my household.

I, Adrian, Sarah and John made this up once upon a time. It's where we stay in our pyjamas all day, watch movies, and just be lazy on Sunday's.

John is in my lap pointing to the sharks swimming on the television, and Sarah is also in my arms, complaining about how she wants an ice cream cone. I tell her I'll bring her to get one later, and that appeases her for now.

I still get to see Sarah. Not as often whatsoever, but Ben knew how much she meant to be and how much she adored me, despite his opinion. I see her on the weekends most of the time, and I couldn't be happier that Ben lets me see her.

"When will mommy come back?" Sarah whispers on commercial. The question takes me off guard, and I feel my stomach sink in sympathy. Not for myself and the agony I feel when I am asked this, but for this poor little girl who lost her mommy way too soon.

"Sweetie, I've told you this, but mommy is in heaven now. She's always with you, but in your heart," I stroke her cheek gently. She nods, not quite grasping it, but she knows what heaven means. She knows that her mommy is gone, but like me; she hopes that if she keeps asking, the answer will change.

* * *

I'm in my office at the butcher shop, sorting through papers that are cluttering my desk.

Junk.

Junk.

Junk.

And as I come towards the end of the stack, Adrian's magazine subscription appears in my hands. I look at it, remembering the times I would see her tanning and reading this magazine, and when she would hit me with it in bed because I was feeling frisky and there was an article on "being the women you've always wanted to be" that was much more important.

I smiled softly and choked back a sob, not wanting to do this now.

But it hurt so bad; to remember it all and want it all back, or to do it over again.

I rip the magazine to shreds, not caring about the mess and yell, not thinking twice about what anyone outside would think.

* * *

I'm having supper at Margret's and Shakur's, sitting silently at the table, picking at the peas that seem to be a smidgen undercooked on my plate.

"Ricky, we've been meaning to talk to you way earlier about this, and I think now is a good time," Margret addresses me, taking me out of my daze.

"Go on," I say hesitantly.

"Well, we've noticed a large change in you since you lost Adrian…" Shakur trailed off.

"Yeah, it's sort of a traumatic experience in one's life," I said sharply.

"Of course it is, and we expect you to be different, but this is over the top. You don't function the same. Days are passing in a blur, you're not actually living!" Margret exclaimed.

"How am I supposed to "function" properly when the only person I had to truly live for is gone?" I slammed my fork down on my plate, feeling my chest heave with anger.

How dare they confront me on this?

"We care about you, Ricky! So does everyone else! How do you think they feel about this? Sure, you take care of John still, but when was the last time you actually smiled genuinely for him, huh?" Margret retorted.

"I care for John so much, that I stayed strong around him. Not once, did I EVER show my grief to him. He needs someone in his life to be strong, and I am that person. I smile every day because of John. He is one of the only things that make me smile, and actually mean it. I'm broken, Margret. Okay? I'm broken and there's nothing I can do about it. Though you should be used to it with me," I yelled.

I stood up from my chair, pushing it backwards and walked out the door, not even bothering to look back.

Then I got in my car and drove to Amy's house where she lived with John alone (her and her boyfriend called it quits) and knocked roughly. Amy opened the door in a housecoat and her brown locks wet, and I gazed deep into her eyes.

And all I seen looking back was the reflection of a man who was as emotionless as a brick on the outside, but crying on the inside.

She pulled me into a hug, and I hugged her back. I missed the soft curves of a woman.

Mine, to be exact.

* * *

I'm standing in the grocery store, trying to decide between Coco-Puffs, and Raisin Brand.

It feels great to only worry about something so simple for once.

"You know, Coco-Puffs are always great," a feminine voice said from behind me. She sounded fairly close, and vanilla perfume filled my senses.

I turned around and met chocolate brown eyes. Her auburn hair fell down her shoulders in waves, and her curvy figure was in a flirty stance. Her pearly white smile was wide, and her tanned skin and facial features clearly showed that she was in fact Latino, and I felt myself get butterflies.

"Are they now?" I smirked, and put them in my cart.

She giggled quietly, and stuck out her hand. "Lexi," she introduced herself confidently. I shook her hand and gave her a warm smile.

"Ricky," I said. My thoughts immediately drifted to the wedding band that was currently on a necklace around my neck, thinking that maybe I shouldn't have taken it off in the first place.

"Nice to meet you," she said in a friendly manner, then flipped her hair back. "I'm new to town and I just thought I'd meet some people. You tend to find good guys in the grocery store, my grandmother once said."

I chuckled light heartedly. "Well you've come to the right place and have met the right person," I said flirtier then I intended.

"I think so too," she smirked at me.

After everything, I found myself drawn to her. I wasn't too sure why, but I wanted to know her.

She brought out the old Ricky.

That's how I found myself kissing her in the back of my car.

Her hands travelled down my torso, her manicured finger nails ghosting down my abs and I shuddered. As her lips attached to my neck, I knew that I would sleep with her, just to know what it felt like to be with a woman. Be wanted by a woman, and just being intimate with a woman.

I pulled off her white t-shirt, throwing it up front and I cupped her in my hands, and she sighed heavily into my mouth. She scooted on my lap, and I felt the heat between us.

That's when I felt the huge amount of guilt.

"Stop," I said in a strained breath. Her actions halted immediately and she looked me in the eyes. Rejection was written across her face, and I ran my fingers through my hair.

"I don't think I can do this," I admitted to her.

"Is it because of that wedding band that is currently on your necklace?" She said sadly.

"Not the wedding band, but the person who once put it on my finger," I said softly. She crawled off my lap, and sat in the seat more comfortably.

"You shouldn't have led me on, you know. I'm not going to be the 'other women'" she said harshly.

"You wouldn't be the other women, I just can't do it. My wife is dead," I said easily. No emotion was in my words, they were said so easily now.

"Wow, I'm sorry." Shock was evident in her tone.

"You wouldn't have known. I didn't mean to lead you on; I just haven't been with a girl yet. It's only been a year," I murmured.

"I know it's a healing process, and I know it'll take time, but do you think she would want you to be so miserable? She wouldn't want that," she said caringly.

"I know, but it still hurts," I said.

"It always will, but you have to move on eventually. You'll find someone who will make you happy again, in a different way. She will always be a part of your life, and you'll always love her, but sooner or later you have to move on," she said and touched my arm in a friendly gesture.

The car was silent for a few moments before I finally spoke up. "I think I was drawn to you because you look like her," I admitted shamefully.

"I do?"

I reached into my wallet and grabbed the picture of us on our wedding day. She held it in her hands, examining it.

"She was beautiful," she said in awe.

"You are too, and you're going to be great for someone else," I smiled at the women. She blushed, something Adrian never did, and opened the car door.

"I hope you learn to make room in your heart for someone else, and finally realize she just wants you to be happy," Lexi said compassionately and closed the door.

I leaned back in my seat and all I could think was how right Lexi was.

* * *

I'm at Amy's house, somewhere I've been a lot lately and we're lying on the couch. John's asleep on the ground beside us, and _Friends_ is playing in the background.

"So how has Sarah and Ben been?" Amy asked and she fiddled with the blanket covering her legs.

"Sarah misses her mom, but is doing great. Ben misses her beyond belief, but knows she's in a better place and is there for Sarah," I said with a sad smile.

"Things have been better with you, I've noticed."

"Yeah, they have been," I smiled. "I've been more happy, less guilt has been around, and I've been feeling better about looking at pictures and memories."

"That's great," Amy smiled widely. "You really deserve to be happy."

* * *

It's 3am, and I can't sleep.

I sigh heavily and walk outside on the porch, taking in the quietness of the night.

Over the last year and a half, I've found myself on a roller coaster of emotions. I've felt guilt, sadness, loneliness, hopelessness, joy, more sadness, and in denial. I've dealt with a lot, and I've been through a lot in my life.

I've lost a lot, but I've also gained a lot.

I've now promised myself to move forward with my life, and look forward to the better. Be there for my son as much as possible and just let things fall into place. If it's meant to happen, it's meant to happen.

I'm not looking for a significant other, because I truly don't think I'm all that ready. I miss her so much, more than words could ever describe, but I know that she's always in my heart.

My face was fanned with a chilly breeze, and I felt goose bumps form.

"Hi Adrian," I whispered, but instead of crying I smiled. I smiled because now I felt like I can finally do what I've never thought I'd have to do.

"Good bye," I said and closed my eyes.

I finally felt that small bit of hope that things are finally getting better, rather than going downhill.

So as I stood on my front porch, finally saying good-bye, I couldn't help for a small second thinking about the things I took for granted with Adrian.

You never know what you have until it's gone.

But now I can say that I fully appreciate everything she's done for my life.

So now I know; but I'm still too late to say thank you.

So that's why I looked into the starry sky and said a crystal clear, "Thank-you."

* * *

_Now it's COMPLETE!_

_Thanks for reading! _

_-M_


End file.
